A Receptacle For His Manly Seed

There are lots of things about being single that I really like:  the anticipation derived from getting ready to go out on a first date; the not having to shave my legs daily;  the freedom to come and go as I like with no one to answer to (save for having to text babygirl so she knows mummy is safe and not dead in a ditch, or at least not dead drunk in a ditch); and most of all not having to pretend that "it's fine darling, you can watch the football ALL EVENING - I was only going to read anyway".  

Conversely, there are also things that I'm not so keen on:  the waking up in bed after a bad dream (or a good one - whoop whoop!) and there is no one there to cuddle up to; the lack of an instant companion for spontaneous weekends away; the shortage of sex.  Well shortage of good sex that doesn't make you feel like a tramp anyway.

Worst of all however is that your friends will usually now wonder what to do with their dinner party invitation that would normally go to you and your plus one.  Is it OK to invite you now you're single - a lone diner? Or should they find another sad old singleton and hope that the fact that the only thing you have in common is that you are both so unloveable you are destined to die alone means you must surely get along.   Because what else do they think I have in common with Terrence, the 58 year old, balding farter with the bad hair piece and halitosis that would have Pepé Le Pew running for cover?  Perhaps you'd best not answer that.

So what of the blind date?  Good thing or bad?  I would imagine there have been times in your life (as there have been in mine) when you've had a single friend, and perhaps your husband (or wife) has also had a single friend, and the two of you decide over your late night cup of Horlicks that Terrence and Ellesbelles would be just perfect for each other!  Well, I'm not against that in theory, but, as a single girl not massively keen on being set up with the office groper or, worse, the office virgin, before clinking your mugs together in what you now think is a Eureka moment, please bear the following in mind.

1.  Single does not (necessarily) mean desperate.  Yet.  Give it time.

2.  If single friend is in her 40s and has grown up kids and has clearly stated "no more children EVER" then setting her up with a 32 year old just holding out for a receptacle for his manly seed is a recipe for disaster, no matter how utterly gorgeous, fit and sexy he may be.  Even if said 40 year old might think its a great idea at the time.  Just say no.

3. The chances are, if your single friend is a Sandra Dee wannabe, she might not automatically love the burping, beer swilling, thrash metal rocker she now finds at her table.   But don't rule it out, she might love it.

4. Generally, your 5'3 single friends will probably like their men to be taller than they are.  Particularly if they have a weakness for Louboutins et al.  For my own part, I'm not hugely tall, and so if I go out out with a short arse fella I become terribly maternal and the temptation to grab his hand before crossing the street,  or worse still pull a tissue from my purse, spit on it and wipe his face becomes overwhelming.

5.  Find out whether both parties have a full complement of limbs ahead of first date (see earlier post "Get me some jiggy jiggy" for detail).  And whether either of them make any weird Elvis noises in bed (unless they're an official Elvis impersonator, in which case that's probably fine - again referenced in earlier post).   In fact, best find out what weird shit they might get up to in the bedroom before setting them up at all - you don't want their incompatible hairy knock knock to bring about the end of your beautiful, hitherto enduring friendship.

So you see, my well meaning friends - you have your work cut out.  Cupid's job is not as easy as it looks, is it?